Tisha B'Av: I Bleed, Birth, and Cycle Through Exile and Redemption

I'm sharing this poem with you as we move into Tisha B'Av, a prayer straight from my soul as a woman who bleeds, births, and cycles through exile and redemption in my body.

Hashem, 

You placed woman in a treacherous position.

She suffers and bleeds,

Falls and rises,

Cycle after cycle,

All to feel You

Deeply in her bones.

My cycle has become a direct portal,

To Your Divinity,

Your Majesty.

The very source of life You planted in me.

The very touch of Your intimate relationship with me.

It’s a hard paradox to live with;

How to touch life is to touch death in the same breath.

How loss and renewal are one thread.

The joy and blessings in my life

I truly feel 

Through walking the shadows and valleys along the way.

Is there a world where pure joy can exist on its own?

Without having to “arrive” through darkness, pain, separation – exile?

I wonder.

I cycle through exile and redemption,

Through menstruation and ovulation,

Miscarriage and birth,

The conundrums of being a woman.

I feel Your pain in exile,

And the promise of redemption,

Right through my blood.

Is an aching womb

Really the pain of the Shechinah?

A hollow space

Bringing worlds to life

Through the void.

But how to see the light, the hope, the resolution of all life’s pains

When You’re hidden in the shadows,

Veiled, unseen

Like the moon hiding her light 

Before the revelation?

You compare Yerushalayim to a Niddah.

A bleeding womb,

Yearning to be reunited and healed.

At first glance – a sentence of despair.

But we know the truth.

As women, we hold the promise of renewal through our cycles.

The blood surrenders to new possibility

To the return we know will come.

It happens right inside our bodies.

To know

To feel

The loss

The return

The betrayal and renewal

Hope and despair

All in one breath

One cycle

One thousand nine hundred and fifty six years long…

Maybe this is presumptuous to say

Because how could I ever

Come to know You fully

In Your Infinite Essence.

But can I say

Through this divine feminine experience You’ve given me

In my own small way

…I feel You?

Let this be the cycle,

Let this be the one,

The long awaited Mikvah Night,

After millennia of separation and pain.

Let us come close to You.

Let us see You.

Let Your full light be revealed.

Amen.

Secrets of Niddah is moving women through massive shifts around their cycles and niddah experiences. I'm working on something with Devora Goldberg - a meditation coach and speaker - that will focus specifically on decreasing anxiety around mikvah.

This will be a bonus already included for Secrets of Niddah members (cuz we extra like that) but we're planning to make it available at a low rate to everyone else as well. Reply to this email if you'd be into that so I can see if there's enough interest.

May we merit the ultimate Mikvah night that will finally bring Yerushalayim out of her niddah status and heal all the pain and separation that came along with it.

We're here to receive that day 🙌